Updates on Joy....

I have been itching to write something about my daughter, but somehow whenever I wanted to start.... there's no words. I have no idea where to start or even what to write. I wanted to write something different, something that can lift my spirits, that makes me realize that - oh! she seemed a changed person!

     But, that's not the case. On the other hand, I am a changed person. In a short period of time I turned from a career driven wife and mother, into a worker - who is only satisfied with the small increment in salary each year, while watching the others climbing up the ladder to 'success'. Yes, 'success' as defined by different individuals. I used to be one of them, where success was defined by how big is your salary and how great is your position at work. I still remember myself during those years. The years before the diagnosis...

     I wrote about my first few years after the diagnosis here, here,here,here,here,here,here and here. 

     As I went through the posts I wrote over the years, I wondered to myself - 4 years? It seemed so long...

     Don't get me wrong. Though it's been hard on me and hubs, we still managed to find beauty and joy in the little things. God has blessed us abundantly. Our life has not been the 'hell' that we initially thought it would be. On better days, we chose to look on the bright side, and saw miracles happening - everyday. Yes, with the bleak 'future' deemed on these children with autism, I see miracles whenever I see her learning something new. 

     Back to the present time, we are still struggling. Struggling with the everyday life - at work and at home. Struggling to learn to cope as both my children are growing older each year, each forming their own personality. Struggling as I try to understand and struggling to guide my daughter to learn what she needs to know - in life skills and knowledge. Struggling as the son is slowly beginning to realize and sometimes resent the sister's condition. Struggling with the biological clock inside me, still yearning for another baby, yet too afraid to have. Struggling to cope, keeping my mouth shut - from sharing stories at home with colleagues - as they never seemed to understand - thinking that I overreacted to everything. Struggling to live a normal life - as only could be defined by us.
Don't get me wrong. I know every other family will have their own struggles. My family is not THAT unique. But then, we all learn to cope. And when the struggle become a norm, it will be less of a burden and more of a blessing. 

     My daughter has improved greatly. I have been told that by the few who have the chance to meet her 4 years ago. Yes, I nodded. Yes. She improved. But she has not improved to the phase where she is accepted without discrimination in mainstream schools, be seen as different and well - just difficult, don't bother me with her kinda attitude as shown by others towards her. They can say all the right things, but I have learnt not to even heed them - as I could see the change of expressions and tone when I asked for any little favour concerning her. - Yeah - when she doesn't bother them, all is well. 

     If I could shield her from these people, I would. But I have to face reality, that I could not shield her forever. My heart ache for her when I see her in situations like this. But she has to learn to adapt to the community - however difficult it is for me, I am sure, it's harder for her. 

     Arrgghh.... this post must be the most disorganized post I have written. (I doubt others were organized). I just type whatever that comes to my mind. I might return and do some editing, but what the heck - I am going to post this and share this out. - I might not read this post again in another few months. Besides, I am not writing for the money. So, my apologies to those who find this a bore and a waste of their time.