Learning progress 4/10/2015 - 11/10/2015

I've mentioned and attempted several times over these years to teach my daughter to learn academically.  A few times I'd managed to stick to a schedule for a few weeks, sometimes a few months- but in the end, life happens and I'd stop. Having high expectations causes deep frustrations in me. For almost 2 years, after she entered primary school,  I've stopped focusing on her academic skills and decided to lower my expectations to only having her not causing troubles in school and learning independent life skills.
          Once in a while,  I'd get her to do some written work, but never expecting much from her. I'd hold her hands and guided her to write - with the intention of introducing the knowledge,  while I explained in as simple way as possible the work being done. I think I've sort of given up getting her to write independently but still hoping that she'd learn something.
          Anyway, God's gentle nudge prompted me to start teaching her to write again. I almost gave up - the 2nd day. She had me crying and boiling inside throughout the day. Being pregnant, I tried hard to control my emotions but failed. I was so disappointed with myself.
          But somehow God decided that I should not give up now. Deep inside,  I felt something kept reminding me to see the readiness in my child. Yes! She does show signs of readiness in learning academically. Several times we 'caught' her peeking at her brother when he is doing his homework.  She'd come over to have a look when the brother complained about some difficult work. Whenever I asked her to come to the table for some work,  she'd willingly come. And whenever I 'helped' her with her maths addition - I'd sometimes feel her hands moving against mine as she attempted to write numbers - at times, the movement is correct.  Plus, she is showing reaction when I praised her for doing her 'homework'. After every exercise,  she'd look at me expectantly. If these aren't readiness - tell me what should I look for....
          On the 3rd day, I decided to try a different approach. I prepared a glass of milk for myself and acted as if I don't expect much from the lesson.  With a neutral tone, I had her trace her numbers 1 and 2 - sometimes just touching her little pinky to get her going. I praised her for good writing but quietly held her hands to correct the wrong ones.
          By the 4th day, she did it! She independently wrote her number 1, with enough strength and pencil control (written within the boxes).  Then we proceeded to number 2. She seemed to have gained more confidence and followed instructions to hold her pencil correctly with the other hand holding on to the sheet of paper, AND have her eyes on the paper while writing. After a few tracings,  she'd look at me for confirmation - we praised her profusely!  I try to build her confidence by having her trace the number 2 (I wrote with light coloured pencil colour) and purposely leaving a few boxes blank here and there.
         By the 6th day, she could write the number 2 without tracing. Isn't that something!!!
         What I have learned from this week is that every child is different.  I believe that she will reach her milestones in her own time. But - I will have to be attentive and alert to her signs of readiness to each milestone and work on them when the time comes. The Montessori concept emphasizes on respecting the child and to teach each child when they are ready.
         I pray that this time I will be more consistent to slowly get her to love learning academically and to continue to improve.


          I shouldn't neglect my son's progress too. For the past months,  he has discovered the fruits of hard work. In his eagerness to receive presents in kindergarten for being in the 1st to 4th position, he told me he wanted me to help him with his revisions prior to his mid year test. The beginning of the year, he got the 5th position and could only look on as his peers receive presents. 2 weeks before his tests, I did intensive revision with him ( while discovering his weaknesses in certain subjects :(, which I didn't really notice before) I created and printed worksheets after worksheets and drilled him with his spelling and surprisingly - he did not complain! He did shed a few tears, when he made mistakes in the worksheets and spelling - but he persevered. The end result - he got the 4th position. He was elated! We celebrated and bought him his favourite comics and made a big fuss of him (while reminding him how his hard work paid off)
          He couldn't stop talking about it that I took this opportunity to get him on track for a good study routine - preparing him for a more gruelling primary 1 life.
          Together with his sister - on the same day - I took the risk of tiring myself - I prepared daily schedule for him. He has the freedom to do whichever of the 4 to 5 items of reading/exercises I prepared for the day - in return for a sticker. He has to promise me not to ask or 'beg' for ipad or tv time during school days nor to complain about his workload. (More for my sanity) I do however, reduce his work when he looks tired.
          So, my son has been on daily schedule for a week too. He learned to quickly finish his work and he is free to read his comics and play. On Friday, he'll have 6 stickers (we start from Sunday) to enable his access to ipad games we downloaded (no wifi for videos). He can have the ipad until Saturday but he still has a few light items to do in his schedule like colouring and flash cards revision. (My time to relax :)  I am hoping that we can continue with this pace through the next 6 weeks of school. Then we'll have around 5 weeks of school holiday where I need to work on his weaker subjects. Hopefully by next year, I won't have difficulty getting him into the primary 1 rhythm without having to send him to tuition classes. Praying hard. :)

Updates.... progress in Joy (sort of)

It has certainly been quite awhile since I updated this space. I check in everyday, to go through the blogs I follow, but does not seem to feel the need to write. Rather, I am not feeling very chatty. Anyway, as usual, there always seem to be something that prompt me to write something. So here I am....

         As for progress in my daughter, I can see much improvement in her daily living skills. Improvements are good, though they do pose more problems at times. She is quite independent nowadays when it comes to changing her own clothes. She changes into her pajamas when it's almost bedtime (sometimes on her own, sometimes with a reminder from me), and when she wakes up in the morning, she would change into her day clothes - all by herself. She automatically will pick up her clothes and put them in the dirty pile. BUT - with this, she also started to exercise her preference of clothes. At times she would wear the same blouse and shorts for days, until I step in and throw them into the washing machine, at which she would reluctantly find other clothes to wear. She even knows to put the clothes she wanted to re-wear, after changing into pajamas at a place or hide them in a bag so that she can wear them again the next day. I caught her observing me, when I purposely try to get the clothes she laid nicely on the chair for the next day. The moment I touch the clothes, she ran and took them away.... hmmm.... somehow I don't mind. As she shows a character where she would protect what she wants. As long she doesn't make a fuss when I insisted on throwing them into the washing machine, I am ok. Previously she didn't or rather not know how to choose pajamas that matches in colours, now she would go and search for the matching sets first. But she knows if she can't find the matching ones, she can always wear whatever she found. So there's flexibility.

          As she is taller now, she started to cast her sights on higher places - upper parts of cabinets, top of closets and cupboards, upper part drawers... anywhere she was not able to explore before. (did I mentioned that she loves 'exploring?). She learnt to make use of chairs and stools, and even canes to climb and open doors which we kept closed with special hinge - not too sure what it's called. With her new problem solving skills, we have to be more diligent in keeping an eye on her - believe me, she can cause a real havoc. An example of an incident was at her grandmother's place. I was late from work, and she was to explore on her own while her grandmother rested. In less than 20 minutes (I was told), the grandmother began to get curious since the girl has been quiet and out of sight - that she began searching for her. Alas! This naughty girl got her hands on her uncle's new can of hair wax (put on top of the cupboard) and brought it upstairs and started to 'wax' the newly laminated living room floor, grandmother's bedroom floor, chest of drawers and her bed! When I arrive, the grandmother was exhausted from cleaning and mopping the place over and over again. - Her poor knees really hurt for the next few days. Though this incident did not surprise me at all, (she did this all the time in our own house - but we manage to minimize them by not letting her out of our sight at all) - it really shows how things will get more and more complicated as this girl grow older and older.

         As for her feeding herself, it depends on her mood or rather the type of food served. When she is back from school, she will usually feed herself 'coz she's really hungry and keep out of her sight. For dinner at our own home, she would sometimes want me to feed her or she would not eat at all - especially if the food is not her favourite. I had to insist on her feeding herself at least half of her plate before I feed her - or if I'm feeling lazy, I'll let her off for not finishing her food. Scolding her will not solve anything - and I do have to pick my battles with her.

        She has learnt to bathe herself too, with someone (grandmother or me) sitting outside the bathroom giving instructions - clean here, clean there...etc... hopefully she will progress to cleaning herself without instructions soon. She knows to take her bath towel and head to the bathroom with minimum prompt. Perhaps this is partly because she does feel hot and stuffy in school uniform for the whole morning.

       We usually have to pack at least 5 sets of the children' daily clothes to bring to my mil since they bathe there during school days. At first I tasked my son to find and pack the clothes every Sunday/Monday. However, since my girl now has preference of what clothes she would like to wear, she sometimes would take out her clothes (packed by brother) and change with her favourite ones. That's good, right? At times when she did not like the choice of clothes at grandmother's place, she would comply by wearing whatever she has and change them when she got home. I don't mind this, as it's better than her previous behaviour of insisting not to wear anything she didn't like that we had to let her re wear her school uniform (after bath) and change her when we got back home.

         Another skill/ compliance that makes my life easier is that she will respond when ever we asked if she needs to go to the toilet when we are not at home. As a habit, she would go to the toilet before we go out. But if we are out and about, which we often are, I'll just have to remember to ask her if she needs to go... she will quickly pull us/ or run to the direction of the toilet. At times when we forgot to ask, she would simply pull us to the toilet direction. Now I'll just have to figure out how to get her in the toilet and close the door for her business. Plus we are still working on her learning to wipe herself after toilet.

        Though I could not say that she has improved in her speech, we will sometimes get short forms of certain words that she wanted to say. We are still working on her in this area - as she is really stubborn in imitating sounds or producing sounds that we wanted her to learn. We had to be be creative to get her to pronounce/ say certain words all throughout the day so as not to make her feel that we are 'working' on her speech. But one thing I am happy with is that she willingly respond with some sounds/any sounds, if I am searching for her. If I was resting on the sofa, and I can't see her anywhere from my position, I'll just call out, and she would respond.

       Most of the time she is very compliant to my requests. If I need a rest after work, and her brother is not around to help me keep an eye on her, I'll ask her to sit on the swing with her favourite toy or book (the swing positioned strategically where I can see her from my resting position). AS I drifted in and out of my naps, she will be sitting on the swing until she sees that I am awake.

        Her interest in music seem to increase, though not in a way that I know how to handle. I haven't manage to figure out how to expand on this. Whenever she listens to songs a few times, she would be able to hum along the exact tune. She may not sound the same lyrics, but she would hum them with her own lyrics.... wah, wah, wah,.... lalala, papapa... etc.... Any idea how to expand on this?

    What else.... for her academics, she has shown some interests in maths and colouring. She is still not writing independently, but as I gently hold her hands when doing her maths exercises, she has the strength in the movement of the numbers she is writing. She is still working on addition of 0 - 5 with visual help. As for colouring, she knows not to colour out of the line, but still not able to control the strength. At times when I am not free, and she is feeling hardworking, she would put her colouring book or her maths book on the dining table. I usually do work with her on my own work table, but her brother does work on the dining table. I like to keep the dining table free from books when it's not 'school' time. - So I guess she knows that by putting the books on the dining table, she will get my attention. (just a wishful thought). Whenever I am coaching her brother with school work or spelling, she seemed to pay attention and would sometimes came near to peek at her brother's work. Plus she loves to flip through her brother's kindergarten books. We just have to be careful not to let her tear them apart. We have not manage to get her to mend this habit. Her own school books are in such state. sigh

      Since we are getting to the end of the school year, it is time for me to gear up with some preparation to teach her more consistently - I'll have around 6 weeks to work with her during the school holiday before she enters Primary 3.

I am blessed....

          Yes, I am blessed. I feel blessed. I am very thankful to God for all that He has made possible in  my life. 

        I am saying this though I am not feeling well myself, my children have not fully recovered from flu, and hubby is overworked. Why this sudden burst of faith?

             Well, God has opened my eyes and taught me to be grateful with what we have. I was waiting outside my daughter's occupational therapist office when an old grandfather started chatting with me. His grandson is having speech therapy and later to go for occupational therapy as well. He told me that he and his wife is solely responsible for this grandson of 5 years old, since his parents divorced. The father has since gotten married again and had 2 more children. And he never gave his parents money for taking care of his son. As for the mother, the grandparents were not willing to part with the grandson though she is willing to care for him herself.... but she works full time with no one else to look after her son while she is at work, unless of course she gets a nanny. Well, the background aside, the grandfather is worried about his grandson who has been diagnosed with autism. 

             When the grandson came out of the Speech Therapist office, he had to wait for his appointment for Occupational Therapy. And I get to observe him.... He can talk very clearly, though his grandfather said that he tend to repeat words by himself. And he can write and read. I am impressed as he wrote numbers, the alphabets and Chinese characters on a piece of paper another lady gave him. And as he wrote, he would read them out loud. AND he is only 5 years old! The grandparents never taught him all these at home. He learnt them in school. I told the grandfather that this boy has a bright future. But further explanation from the grandfather dampened my spirit. This boy, who has been drinking sweetened water his whole life, is hyperactive, has the tendency to hurt himself due to his hyperactive condition, slept only a few hours at night (that the grandparents even resorted to sleeping pills) AND the thing that saddened me most is that the grandparents cannot afford more therapies for him other than the monthly occupational therapy and speech therapy (I am not sure how often is the Speech therapy) provided by the government. Yet I strongly feel that this boy could be much better if he had more interventions. 

          As I was driving home after the therapies, I kept thinking about this boy. Though it's not nice to compare. And even worse for me to find comfort in another person's pain, I began to feel Grateful. 

          My soon to be 6 years old daughter, does not talk as fluently as this boy. She can't write nor 'read'. Yet. (I am not sure if she can read in her mind - just not out loud). She had to be taught certain things over and over again (we are still doing basics, which we have been doing in the past 3 years). 

       BUT... 

1. I am blessed that she has mild temper which makes it easier for us to cope with her.

2. I am blessed that she has improved so much in these few years, because we were able to afford her early intervention programs. I even believed the early interventions helped with her sleep at night and now I am grateful that we do not have to resort to sleeping pills.

3. I am blessed that those days of sleepless nights plus shrill screaming at night for me is now over. (she will have some sleepless nights but very far in between).

4. I am blessed with a supportive and loving husband, who has been my pillar of strength.

5. I am blessed with parents in law who are supportive and rejoices in every little achievements.

6. I feel blessed for my education, with which I am able to understand and explore the infinite possibilities to help my daughter.

7. I feel blessed for my occupation, with which I can still contribute financially, and at the same time still able to spend time with my children in the afternoons, weekends, and school holidays.

8. I am grateful that, financially we could still afford her extra therapies and learning materials. Though we are not rich, and still have to be careful with our expenses, God has truly been generous to us, by providing when we needed most.

9. I am grateful for all that she has achieved. It is through hard work and resilience both from us as parents and in herself. I can sense in her, that she is very happy with her own achievements. Whenever she was praised for doing a certain thing right, the chances of her repeating the action is quite high. She is improving in her speech, imitation and self help skills too. 

I believe there will be more to come.....  Amen.

AND....

Please keep this boy in your prayers too. May the good Lord open his father's heart to care for his own son and contribute to his emotional and financial needs. May the grandparents find ways and means to provide for his extra therapies which they know of, but unable to afford. And finally, may this boy continue to improve and be blessed. Amen.

Denied because he is autistic?

I have came across some articles where people with autism were denied their rights in various ways... just because they are autistic. In this post, a man was being denied his chance of having a heart transplant because he is autistic. Is there anything more disgusting than this? God created us all. Who gave these people the rights to determine who deserves the right to have a heart transplant, and in this case, who gave them rights to determine the people who do not deserve it?!!!! Did God set the rules that those with drug addiction or murder cannot enter Heaven? He is ever so loving and accepting to those who are willing to repent. People with autism did nothing wrong that made them autistic. God made them as they are. They do not deserve to be brushed aside, in any way. 

Let go... and let the Spirit flow into you

It has been a long time since I experienced the workings of The Holy Spirit - first hand. Today, at the church service, I was blessed to experience Peace when I was guided to relax and put my trust in The Almighty One. I have seen many such 'events' where people are prayed over, and they collapsed. Some wailed, and literally made the atmosphere felt like the place is full of the Holy Spirit. Whenever I am in such situation, I would cry. Even though I am not the one being prayed over, I still cry. It's as if something touched me, deep within. and I would cry.

Today, I asked for a praying over for my daughter, and myself. As I closed my eyes and listened to God's message - assuring me that I have such love for my family and my children, especially my daughter. Asking me to not worry, that God will take care of her. That great things will happen, things that I would never even imagined. That I will eventually find joy, as my daughter progresses. That there is no need to compare with other typical children. She is God's daughter, and God will provide for her. God will take care of her. - and as the Spirit flows, I can feel myself struggling to remain standing. My body weakened and I finally collapsed. I was crying, but unable to cry out loud, yet I can feel myself, almost smiling. My face felt numbed, my muscles are twitched as if wanting to smile. As I slowly gained consciousness, I got up and felt Peace. Yes, there were still tears. I think those are happy tears, mixed with sadness of the past. God is by my side, helping me to face the day to day challenges in life. Sure, there are and will always be struggles and challenges, but it seems that life is more bearable.


I have learnt a great lesson today. To trust in God, and let Him show the way. Many a times, I try to take things into my own hands, worrying too much, and never satisfied with all that has been done. It is time to let go. To let God do it His way. Amen.

Learning about God

Ever since I could remember, I have been trying to interest my children in saying the night prayer together. Joy, would remain quiet, and Jay has slowly followed my words and later could independently say prayers of Thanksgiving in Chinese. When he was almost 3 years old, I would say my version of prayer in English, after his prayer. He would listen and responded with Amen.

A few months before, he has started asking about God, as I told him to pray to God when he is not feeling well, and God will heal him. He was a bit confused, and I found out that he thought God is only for his big sister, as I was always praying for deliverance from powers that binds and limiting her from reaching her milestones. As he slowly learns that God will take care of everyone, I can see that he is eager to learn more. Just the other day, he asked me, "Where is God?". And he is very interested in listening to Bible stories. He has also learnt to love me singing The Lord's Prayer. He would sometimes request me to sing the hymn again and again as he sleeps. (previously, he would tell me to stop). 

Joy, on the other hand seems more accepting to the hymn now. (she would usually cry when I sang it when she was much younger) Though I could not expect to hear her saying Amen now, I am confident that she would one day be able to say her prayers independently. She is always around when I read aloud, stories from the Bible and I am confident that she is absorbing in her own way.

All these warms my heart. When I got married, my greatest hope was to raise a family with Love, Faith and Hope in God. Hubby and I prayed the Rosary everyday, from the day we knew I was pregnant with my eldest, right to the moment I gave birth. I held my Rosary while going through the contractions, and left it beside my bed when it's time to push. Hubby actually went down on his knees outside the door, with the Rosary. Everyday after her birth, I read the Bible to her, and said my prayers aloud, for her. Hubby and I say our morning and night prayers aloud, and we responded with Amen, (in our determination to set an example for them)

As I mentioned before, I have not been an avid church goer, but I do believe in the saying "A family that prays together, stays together." This was taught by my catechism teachers when I was in school. See, I did not forget. Anyway, our faith wavered for a period of time as we encountered difficulties in handling Joy. That was pre-diagnosis days. When we got her diagnosis, hubby and I held closer together, as we are determined to face the diagnosis as an united front. The roller coaster year is also a year where we found our place and slowly build our faith back from scratches. We picked up the bits and pieces of faith and hope and love in God and I am grateful the God has not left us during those times. All these reminded me of the poem "Footprints in the sand", which I have loved since school days.

There will always be so much to learn about the Almighty God. I am praying for wisdom to be able to teach my children to grow in His ways, as I too, continue to learn about His greatness. 

A week in review.

I just had to find a topic to write about. I am in such a state, that I need to write, to help me collect my thoughts and get things done. Amidst the chaotic feeling I am having now. I am so glad that I still have my ipad. Thank You, Lord.

Last week was a blurr to me. Things at work are not very smooth. (I have no intention of relating it - since I want to just forget it. - hopefully I will, after sometime.) Things at the kids' school are both discouraging and encouraging. I just don't know how to think of it.

Joy's teacher was trying to wean her off her milk bottle at school.- and Joy is not cooperative at all. She had all the other teachers worried for her. her last year's teacher Anna even called me to let me know how things are in the past month, and reminded me to please bring her milk bottle to school again. (I guess she really created a havoc)

Last Friday, I had a long chat with the principal of the kindergarten. She was suggesting that I let Joy back into preschool - of course, with a different teacher. Her reasons were simple and I understand that she really cared for Joy. She admitted that all her kindergarten 1 teachers for this year are not very experienced teachers, especially with special needs. Joy's teacher is a new teacher. And both kindergarten classes has 35 students. The principal has even provided another teacher helper to help with Joy's class - since her teacher is not able to give more attention to Joy. I am very grateful for this as I know that Kindergarten 1 classes have only one teacher and no helper.

However, as I related to her of how things are at home, and how I handled Joy at home, the principal was convinced  that the problem lies in having a teacher that understands my daughter - regardless of which class she is in. We'll just see how things are next week. Last year, teacher Anna took 3 months to understand Joy and together we could see improvements in her. My hope is that Joy will meet a caring teacher that is willing to ask and learn how to handle her.

I have been listing the pros and cons if we let Joy back into her preschool class. We know that acedemically, she might be bored, since she knew her alphabets, numbers, shapes and colours. But there are also some thematic work and vocabulary, and phonics and math and science concepts that I knew she needed to work on. She also needs to work on her penmanship and overall independence in school. I am already working on them at home - but not too consistently, - and with the present condition I am forced into (with all my files gone - thanks to the corrupted hard disk) - I doubt I will have much time. Plus, I really find it hard to teach her to read in chinese, since I went to public school that emphasizes on English Language as the main language. Eventhough I speak Chinese, the chinese characters are foreign language to me.

On the other hand, Joy could really have more time to focus on her independence and life skills if she go back to preschool. The syllabus is not as intense as her syllabus this year. And the preschool teacher they recommended to take her in has many years of experience with several special needs. - plus she has only 25 students in her class. sigh....

The principal also commented on Jay's maturity. She seemed so sure that Jay would do well in preschool instead of remaining in play school. Play school does not focus on academic, and Jay is so interested in everything, even penmanship. (have I mentioned that he wrote 'J' all by himself the other day?) - All I did with him was to hold his hand and write his name on every piece of crafts he made. And now he could almost write his name. (hubby and I are so proud of him!) - mind you - she almost convinced me to let him go to preschool. sigh.... how would it be like if both my kids (aged 5 and 3 - are in preschool?) - hard to imagine.

Clarifications.... And reflections for the new year.

As the start of the new year, I need to clarify that though my posts may seem emotional or even negative at time, It does not reflect my life in general. Blogging has been an outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings. It feels good to be able to express myself, and not keeping them bottled up. I might explode.

 I loved English language. And I have always been a 'writer'. Though a poor one. I loved writing poems, when I have free time during school exams, when I was a teenager. And I wrote short stories at home too. I regret not keeping them in good condition, and they got lost when I was away from home for my degree.

That being said, I have to admit that I have mixed feelings for the new year. It signifies that my daughter is 5 years old, and my son is 3. There has not been much changes around here with Joy. (I would happily blogged about it, if there are!). But yesterday I noticed that she is scared of firecrackers. Not sure if this is a good sign. She used to be oblivious to firecrackers, sleeping through the night, when the whole neighbourhood was busy playing with firecrackers, welcoming the new year. This year? She woke up, and cried. During the day, she would jump onto the couch and scolded something when our neighbour played with the single firecrackers, one at a time. Bom! Bom! Bom!

She is still scared of loud noises at my mother in law's church. With full force of drums, guitars, organ and the people singing, jumping and shouting on the stage led her to hugged me tightly. Which brings me to another worry for this year. Joy is a tall 5 year old. But she still wants me to carry her, especially when she is tired or crying or scared - in public. Even my mil sensed this and asked me to put her down, when I carried her to queue up to receive God's gift of red packet. Come on, if I don't carry her, I would not be able to join the queue.

The red packet is important to me, symbolically. It contains a card with the word of God - meant as a reminder for us for the rest of the year. It's nice to start the new year with the word of God to ponder upon. I've always liked this tradition at this church, and thinks that God is giving me the red packet that suits me the most.

 On the other hand, I am both proud and worried about Jay. He has shown such maturity exceeding his age (in his teacher's words). He is always thirsty for information and asks questions all the time. He is observant and learns easily plus he has very good memory. (I hope i don't sound like I am bragging here) When his teacher suggested that he skip play school and join the pre kindy class, I see red alert. Remember the post I wrote about teaching your kids early on, and the kid being bored in class because he knew everything the teacher is talking about? Jay is one such candidate - and I did not even purposely teach him anything (except since last month)

 We decided not to let him skip playschool, and my parents suggested that I do a lot of reading with him, instilling the love for books. They told me not to use school material to teach him at home, so I thought that I am going to teach him more English and skills in general, since his kindergarten focuses more on Chinese language. Hmm... More thinking to do. My mother gave me a few suggestions, and I am going through with her list, creating more as I go.

By the way, in case you are wondering. My parents are retired primary school teachers. They have first hand experience for kids like Jay, since my eldest brother is also advanced when he was a little boy. (mom told me how he managed to get an A for a paper meant for an 11 year old, and he was only 8 years old) He has always been the smartest in the family, and now an accomplished programmer. I think my parents did a good job with him, cox he REALLY loved reading and exploring. In fact, they did a good job with us. I am a known bookworm too. : ) and my little brother, in architectural field, loves exploring and testing the limits.

Hope!

This is another moment in my life when I felt that God is trying to talk to me, and to comfort me. With no apparent reasons, I was feeling extraordinarily irritated with Joy yesterday. I would blow up with a single cry from her, and I just could not bring myself to comfort her or to give assurance to her when she cries. I was feeling angry with myself, and kept away from her, trying hard not to hear her, so that I would not spank her. Last night, I mentally scolded myself for being such a lousy mother. What sort of mother would feel so angry with her own kid, that the kid had to keep away from her? I knew that stress is getting at me. I am just not prepared to face it. yet.

This afternoon, as I sat down to relax and go through my favourite blogs, I came across this, shared by http://asliceofsmithlife.blogspot.com/. How I cried as I watched the video. It was like a wake up call for me, to not give up on my own daughter. The Lord wanted to remind me that I am not alone in this. I am praying that He will strengthen me and guide me through.

Taking it one day at a time.

I am trying to tell myself to calm down, to relax and not get anxious over every details, both at work or at home. I am not done yet, with the initial registration of my students and all the paperwork plus the online thingy for my school system. There's just so much to do, that I am feeling overwhelmed. I even told hubby, that after less than 2 weeks at work, I am stressed out. I was unable to cope with the kids, yelled at them all the time and all I wanted to do at home is to do nothing. I am not even done with cleaning the house, for Chinese New Year NEXT week! In fact, I did not do anything for the past 2 weeks. My house is in a mess, clean clothes in baskets, waiting to be fold and put away, and their toys are everywhere. (these are only a few that I am concerned about, not to mention the cleaning, washing and scrubbing) sigh!

I got caught in the 'rain' the other day and is feeling unwell. Its actually not rain - just a few drops of rain water in the hot sun. But that is all it takes to make me feel unwell. Now, all I wanted to do is sleep.

"Schooling' at home halted to a stop for Joy. Besides her therapy sessions 3 days a week, I am doing nothing educational with her at home. She played with whatever she wanted and watched cartoons. (I am glad that Jay took notice of her and kept pulling her to join him in his play). As for Jay, when I need to be at work in the afternoons, I prepared educational toys and the 'workbooks' for him to do with sister in law. He loved doing school, and it's one way to keep him occupied rather than having him watching tv all the time. I rotated all the materials so that he won't get bored with them. Some of the things I prepared - threading boards, threading beads, threading coins, simple board puzzles, colouring book, math, tracing, uppercase 'workbooks', mega blocks, toys cars, and matching games. Joy did some of these too, with my sis in law, so I'm not feeling too guilty. phew!

I am modifying my 'curriculum' for Joy again. Now that I have a clearer picture of how my days would be like, I have to try to fit the time for teaching her into my schedule. Perhaps after next week and Chinese New Year she would slowly pick up on the curriculum. (I know I did not mention anything about Joy's curriculum in my posts before. It is just a list of things I am planning to teach her this year, both in academics and life skills. I arranged them in such a way, that I will be focusing on certain skills every week.) - what I forgot is to incorporate time-off for myself. In one way, I am glad I started this blog. I don't know if there's anyone reading it, but its a place for me to express my thoughts and to ease my mind to a more relaxed mode (when I read all the nice blogs I follow) - I did mention that I am a bookworm.

Need to destress...

Life as a working mother is never easy. Add a special needs child to the parcel, it's certainly not a life anyone would envy. My heart has changed. I, who have never thought of the option of being a stay at home mom, is entertaining that thought almost everyday. I have always thought that I would always work, until retirement. I imagined myself to handle work and family nicely, without much hurdle. My children would grow up learning independence, as I would not be able to hover over them all the time, attending to their needs. I have seen SAHM who attend to their children's every needs and make a slave of themselves, while the children take them for granted. They were never appreciated for their role as a mother and wife.

 When I decided to take a half year leave from work last year, I certainly appreciated the break. Life at work is hectic enough, and I was afraid that I could not take it in stride, when I am still coping with grief of my daughter's diagnosis. The cycle of grief, anger, blame and acceptance kept repeating itself, and I needed a break. But when I returned to work, it was also a welcomed change. I felt energized and I certainly needed some time when I am not thinking about the children. I needed a 'me' time. But this was before I was introduced to the terminology 'homeschooling'. I started reading more on homeschooling, and the more I know, I more I am drawn to it.

 When I reflect upon it now, it seems very clear to me that God is doing something. He is preparing me for a direction that I am not too sure of, or perhaps not too willing to comply. Why do I think this? I'll try to put this in words. Then perhaps, something else will turn up. Since Joy's diagnosis, I have not been able to sleep well at night. I needed very little sleep, and functioned like a robot during the day. My mind is all about the diagnosis, therapy and behaviours. For the whole year, I've scoured the internet for information, and downloaded tons of learning materials I thought would be useful to teach her. I collected the materials, printed and laminated them and prepared a special room for her at home, for her therapy. I am the one and only therapist in charge at home.

 Then, I was suddenly introduced to the beauty of blogs. Actually I had a blog before, where I blogged about my family and life in general. I stopped after The diagnosis. The blog was eliminated and cease to exist. There are reasons for that, but I am not going to talk about it now.

Anyway, I was reintroduced to the beauty of blogging world, when I stumbled upon a homeschooling blog for a child with autism. There was no turning back from then on. I became hooked on finding and reading more and more stories of homeschooling adventures and especially if it includes children with special needs. I was asking myself, why didn't I find this before? In fact, I was knocking myself on the head. You see, I actually did pass by and stopped by several of those blogs before. The prove? From the learning materials I've collected previously. They come from the very blogs that I am following now. How could I be so blind to this? My only comfort to myself is that, perhaps God did not think it's time yet. And He opened up my eyes, only recently, in the past 5 months.

So, you can imagine that I have been reading the blogs like crazy. Its not difficult for me at all, since I love reading, and a wellknown bookworm. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, after only 4 days of work, and endless meetings and bombarded with the list of expectations for this year's overall achievements, I already feel exhausted. Even by thinking of the everyday to do list makes me want to throw in my resignation letter. But, of course, this is not a decision to be taken lightly. We need my salary, and I need the break from the kids. I just wish there is a more flexible solution to this.

Trying to fit in...

All my life, I struggled with self identity and trying to fit in certain groups. As teenagers, I joined the catholic group in my church and go along with the same group in school. But somehow I never feel myself as one of them. They spend their free time together and even their parents hang out with each other. My parents are not church goers, and this made me the odd one out.

 As I grow older, I took to focus more on myself, trying to change and improve myself, thinking that perhaps its my fault, that people did not warm up to me. When I met my hubby, I was and still is touched that he accepts me as I am. In fact, no one ever told me that I was pretty, except for him... (blushing). Life was so perfect, with marriage, giving birth and moving into our own house.

I gained confidence and faced the world bravely. But a diagnosis for my daughter shattered the picture perfect life. A new parent, I read through all parenting magazines and asked for advise as I fumbled through parenting. And I dreamed of the time when I would see my children grow up and to talk and brag about them. They are my treasures. Don't misundertand me. I love my children very very much. A diagnosis for Joy did not alter that love at all. But the label has stripped away my confidence.

 I began to doubt my own parenting skills and I dare not to talk about Joy when my friends are chatting about their children. Our kids may be of the same age, but my daughter is miles behind, developmentally. I know my face lit up, when its about my son. I just can't help it. I am so proud and so thankful that God gave me this son. As I was saying, I felt out of sorts, and not fitting in. anywhere. And my confidence needs lots of boosting.

After 2 pregnancies, I gained much weight. In fact, I was almost 20 kgs from my ideal weight, pre-pregnancy. The fact that I still keep all my pre-pregnancy clothes is no comfort to me. For quite sometime, I've ignored my physical appearance due to the fact that I was trying to lose enough weight to fit in my old clothes. I was naive enough to think that I will lose those kilogrammes and will save money. I almost got to my ideal weight. You can only take my word for it. I did not even have time to enjoy my new healthy body weight and showing off my figures, wearing sizes M, when I got The Diagnosis.

That year, I totally let myself go. I ate whatever and whenever I want. Food is my comfort. And in no time, I got back all those fat that I've shed. All my hardwork in vain.

After a period of low self esteem, and a few anxiety attacks over what to wear for the year end dinner and wedding dinners ( that I cant refuse), I decided it's time to do something.

 Since July last year, perhaps due to the realization that I can't do much about the diagnosis but offer it up to God, I work on gaining my confidence back. I bought clothes that fit my current shape (which feels good and I am getting compliments too). I can now imagine how my colleagues suffered to see me dressed in such careless and absent minded clothings previously. Why, I've ignored the fact that I have only 5 sets of work clothes for each day of the week, and repeating the cycle every week. And wearing them for the whole year! It's no wonder that they are so relieved to see me in new clothes ( and more than 5 sets of formal wear!). Last year, I even wore my maternity clothes post pregnancy, and speculations arises. That's how bad. Now, I swear to myself not. to. touch. them. Ever. Thanks to my beloved hubby, it's not difficult to do. He is very tolerant and understanding in this. (even with the fact that I spent quite a lot of money) Women clothing are so expensive. Especially the more presentable ones and I am punishing myself with hand washing them instead of putting them into the washing machine.

I am trying to lose weight again. This time, it"s more to wanting to be healthy than physical. No longer considered 'young adult', I want to ensure that I am healthy to be able to take care of my family. In fact, I've started for the last 2 months. It's not easy, this time round. I am the type that loves to eat whenever I feel stressed or depressed. So I need to ensure that I think positively and face life with optimism. I need to have happy thoughts and look at the bright side even when the odds are against me. I need to stabilize the roller coaster of emotions when I am dealing with Joy in the day to day basis. It is not easy and I am turning more to God to help me.

Chosen Mothers

In this new year, I'd like to take comfort from this story.

For Chosen Mothers

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of a child with special needs. Did you ever wonder how mothers like this are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew.

Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia.

Rudledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint... give her Jude. He's used to profanity."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a child with special needs."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly", smiles God. "Could I give a child with special needs a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asked the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that is not going to be easy."

"This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She does not realize it yet, but she's to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says "Mama" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or sunset to her child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice... and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely she is here by my side.

"And what a bout her patron saint?" asks the angel, her pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Lessons in Autism

Having a child with autism has forced a great lesson of humility on me. A person who never used to think so much of other people's suffering, I am now forced to experience a sense of loss that could probably never be filled. Marriage and having a daughter affected with autism has mellowed me. I am now much more sensitive to any loss in other people, death in the extended family, death of friends.... they all lead me to mourn how fragile life is. Leading a much independent life pre-marriage, I have lost much of the decisive determination. I have come to realize that life is filled with so much surprises, its much safer to take life day by day.

I now see children with hope, that they will grow to make the world a better place for everyone. Children who are slow in academics are forgiven, because they are sure to have reasons that impede their learning. Teenagers who waste their time and life are now reprimanded as if they were my own. It hurts to see such healthy children to waste their life, when there are others who wished with all their might to be as healthy.

I learnt that there is no fix mould in bringing up a child. And I have to think out of the box when it comes to my daughter. That a certificate in education is not everything. What is more important is the ability to take care of oneself and live life as God has planned.

Another loss....

I lost a friend today. 2 years younger than me, she battled against cancer and lost. Her spirit and will to survive is amazing. She bravely bore 2 beautiful children for her husband and cherished every moment she has with them. A devout Christian, she held on to her faith and trust to God.
My friend, you will always be remembered. Your smile and passion in life and living is a lesson for all others. Though It has been so many years since we met, but I still remember the times we spent together, going to church together, and the little childish secrets we used to have. Take heart, that my prayers will always be with you and your family, especially your little children. I pray that they will grow up knowing and loving you, as I believe you will always be looking after them from heaven.

Bits and pieces...

Uneasy thoughts keep appearing in my mind today. Today is Joy's last day in formal school as pre kindergartner. Since its already holiday for me, I sent her to school, with mixed feelings. After today, Joy will not be under the care of her teacher Anna. She has done so much for her this year.
Next year Joy will be in Kindy 1. She will have a new teacher and different classmates. Not all her classmates now will be in the same class. They will have streaming and students will be grouped according to their different learning capability. I wonder which group will Joy be in. She does not have much to show academic wise. Only those teachers who took care of her before will notice her improvements in other areas. - her eye contact, ability to sit still, etc,etc... In other words, her ability to take care of herself.
As I watched other mothers chatted freely about their children, I felt so self conscious. Though we have children of the same age, but Joy's requirements are different and my concern for her is different from other mothers. They were discussing about their children's achievements and extra classes and activities and their antics at home.
My little Joy have different achievements and antics that seemed nothing compared to their children. They are able to learn so naturally, it does not even seem learning to them. To listen and understand instructions, to sit still, to go to the toilet by oneself, to pronounce simple words.....
I know I should be grateful. Joy has been blessed with a wonderful teacher. I pray that her new teacher will be as wonderful. But I guess there will still be a tinge of disappointment. Perhaps this will fade as the years go by, but until then..... Life has to go on.

Photos?

Ok, I promised myself I will post photos when I have more time next month. Have patience yah!

Meaningful life....

A lot of things happened this week. A colleague's husband passed away of sudden heart attack, an aunt gone, after 2 years bed-ridden due to stroke, a friend's brother passed away in an accident. As I got busy, ferrying my parents to attend the related functions and funeral of my aunt, some part of the drawers in my mind unlocked itself.

A sudden realization of what is considered a meaningful life? How do we rate ourselves? According to our career achievements? Money in the bank? Our properties? or from how our friends and relatives treat us when we are sick and unable to take care of ourselves?

As I watched how my cousins go about arranging everything, and how they reacted to people's offer of sympathy, my heart sank at the reality of how human is weak and selfish. As I watched my uncle, looking old, and trying hard to control his emotion, it occurred to me that he has just lost a lifetime friend. A friend who has always been there through ups and downs, and sharing everything with him. They have been together for more than 35 years. I pray and I hope that the Lord will touch his children's heart and take good care of him. I may not be close to this aunt, but the mere thought of her importance in some one's life and how her absence will change their life, made me feel sad and cry.

I guess, when it's time to return to God, nothing is more important than sincere prayers and having relatives and friends recollecting fond memories with us.