Trying to fit in...

All my life, I struggled with self identity and trying to fit in certain groups. As teenagers, I joined the catholic group in my church and go along with the same group in school. But somehow I never feel myself as one of them. They spend their free time together and even their parents hang out with each other. My parents are not church goers, and this made me the odd one out.

 As I grow older, I took to focus more on myself, trying to change and improve myself, thinking that perhaps its my fault, that people did not warm up to me. When I met my hubby, I was and still is touched that he accepts me as I am. In fact, no one ever told me that I was pretty, except for him... (blushing). Life was so perfect, with marriage, giving birth and moving into our own house.

I gained confidence and faced the world bravely. But a diagnosis for my daughter shattered the picture perfect life. A new parent, I read through all parenting magazines and asked for advise as I fumbled through parenting. And I dreamed of the time when I would see my children grow up and to talk and brag about them. They are my treasures. Don't misundertand me. I love my children very very much. A diagnosis for Joy did not alter that love at all. But the label has stripped away my confidence.

 I began to doubt my own parenting skills and I dare not to talk about Joy when my friends are chatting about their children. Our kids may be of the same age, but my daughter is miles behind, developmentally. I know my face lit up, when its about my son. I just can't help it. I am so proud and so thankful that God gave me this son. As I was saying, I felt out of sorts, and not fitting in. anywhere. And my confidence needs lots of boosting.

After 2 pregnancies, I gained much weight. In fact, I was almost 20 kgs from my ideal weight, pre-pregnancy. The fact that I still keep all my pre-pregnancy clothes is no comfort to me. For quite sometime, I've ignored my physical appearance due to the fact that I was trying to lose enough weight to fit in my old clothes. I was naive enough to think that I will lose those kilogrammes and will save money. I almost got to my ideal weight. You can only take my word for it. I did not even have time to enjoy my new healthy body weight and showing off my figures, wearing sizes M, when I got The Diagnosis.

That year, I totally let myself go. I ate whatever and whenever I want. Food is my comfort. And in no time, I got back all those fat that I've shed. All my hardwork in vain.

After a period of low self esteem, and a few anxiety attacks over what to wear for the year end dinner and wedding dinners ( that I cant refuse), I decided it's time to do something.

 Since July last year, perhaps due to the realization that I can't do much about the diagnosis but offer it up to God, I work on gaining my confidence back. I bought clothes that fit my current shape (which feels good and I am getting compliments too). I can now imagine how my colleagues suffered to see me dressed in such careless and absent minded clothings previously. Why, I've ignored the fact that I have only 5 sets of work clothes for each day of the week, and repeating the cycle every week. And wearing them for the whole year! It's no wonder that they are so relieved to see me in new clothes ( and more than 5 sets of formal wear!). Last year, I even wore my maternity clothes post pregnancy, and speculations arises. That's how bad. Now, I swear to myself not. to. touch. them. Ever. Thanks to my beloved hubby, it's not difficult to do. He is very tolerant and understanding in this. (even with the fact that I spent quite a lot of money) Women clothing are so expensive. Especially the more presentable ones and I am punishing myself with hand washing them instead of putting them into the washing machine.

I am trying to lose weight again. This time, it"s more to wanting to be healthy than physical. No longer considered 'young adult', I want to ensure that I am healthy to be able to take care of my family. In fact, I've started for the last 2 months. It's not easy, this time round. I am the type that loves to eat whenever I feel stressed or depressed. So I need to ensure that I think positively and face life with optimism. I need to have happy thoughts and look at the bright side even when the odds are against me. I need to stabilize the roller coaster of emotions when I am dealing with Joy in the day to day basis. It is not easy and I am turning more to God to help me.