Need to destress...

Life as a working mother is never easy. Add a special needs child to the parcel, it's certainly not a life anyone would envy. My heart has changed. I, who have never thought of the option of being a stay at home mom, is entertaining that thought almost everyday. I have always thought that I would always work, until retirement. I imagined myself to handle work and family nicely, without much hurdle. My children would grow up learning independence, as I would not be able to hover over them all the time, attending to their needs. I have seen SAHM who attend to their children's every needs and make a slave of themselves, while the children take them for granted. They were never appreciated for their role as a mother and wife.

 When I decided to take a half year leave from work last year, I certainly appreciated the break. Life at work is hectic enough, and I was afraid that I could not take it in stride, when I am still coping with grief of my daughter's diagnosis. The cycle of grief, anger, blame and acceptance kept repeating itself, and I needed a break. But when I returned to work, it was also a welcomed change. I felt energized and I certainly needed some time when I am not thinking about the children. I needed a 'me' time. But this was before I was introduced to the terminology 'homeschooling'. I started reading more on homeschooling, and the more I know, I more I am drawn to it.

 When I reflect upon it now, it seems very clear to me that God is doing something. He is preparing me for a direction that I am not too sure of, or perhaps not too willing to comply. Why do I think this? I'll try to put this in words. Then perhaps, something else will turn up. Since Joy's diagnosis, I have not been able to sleep well at night. I needed very little sleep, and functioned like a robot during the day. My mind is all about the diagnosis, therapy and behaviours. For the whole year, I've scoured the internet for information, and downloaded tons of learning materials I thought would be useful to teach her. I collected the materials, printed and laminated them and prepared a special room for her at home, for her therapy. I am the one and only therapist in charge at home.

 Then, I was suddenly introduced to the beauty of blogs. Actually I had a blog before, where I blogged about my family and life in general. I stopped after The diagnosis. The blog was eliminated and cease to exist. There are reasons for that, but I am not going to talk about it now.

Anyway, I was reintroduced to the beauty of blogging world, when I stumbled upon a homeschooling blog for a child with autism. There was no turning back from then on. I became hooked on finding and reading more and more stories of homeschooling adventures and especially if it includes children with special needs. I was asking myself, why didn't I find this before? In fact, I was knocking myself on the head. You see, I actually did pass by and stopped by several of those blogs before. The prove? From the learning materials I've collected previously. They come from the very blogs that I am following now. How could I be so blind to this? My only comfort to myself is that, perhaps God did not think it's time yet. And He opened up my eyes, only recently, in the past 5 months.

So, you can imagine that I have been reading the blogs like crazy. Its not difficult for me at all, since I love reading, and a wellknown bookworm. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, after only 4 days of work, and endless meetings and bombarded with the list of expectations for this year's overall achievements, I already feel exhausted. Even by thinking of the everyday to do list makes me want to throw in my resignation letter. But, of course, this is not a decision to be taken lightly. We need my salary, and I need the break from the kids. I just wish there is a more flexible solution to this.