She's a person, first and foremost....

          I have been quietly observing my daughter for the past week. She has increased behaviour problem that blinked red alert to me. Last week, I totally forgot to be subtle in my discussion with the new speech therapist. My fault partly, in not remembering that my dear daughter understands our discussion, and the gist of the discussion might have hurt her. Deeply. This is just from my observation, analysis, and from my understanding of her personality.
         Ever since she was 2-3 years old, her group of 'therapist' teachers and I have noticed that she understands our conversations about her, and whenever we commented about something negative about her, her behaviour on that certain 'comment' will increase. For example, when one of the teacher noticed that my girl would tip toe while walking. Everyone would pay attention to her feet, and commented on it, and asked her to walk properly. Their 'diagnosis' was that she has sensory problems. I believed them at first. Until I noticed that she walks properly when no one remembers to point it out to her. Yup... I learnt from my mistake.
          From that time on wards, I kept reminding myself and the adults around her to not comment negative things about her. In fact, it would be better not to discuss in front of her. I think, we managed to prevent many unnecessary dramas and tantrums. Of course, along the way, we had many incidents that enforced my observations. Even my in-laws and my parents have to agree with me in this.
          Anyway, after the speech therapy last week, both hubby and I noticed that she almost cannot 'produce' proper sounds in her attempt to communicate with us. If previously she would readily greet her grandparents 'good bye' in chinese - we now have difficult time to make her even to say the first part 'Zhai' of the two words, 'Zhai Jian'. She would move her mouth, but the sounds were inappropriate, and in the end, she would be so frustrated that she cried. I hate to give in to her in such conditions, but forcing her to say 'good bye' until she cries is certainly not a good idea. (for those who doesn't understand, my girl used to cry whenever she did not want to do or say anything we asked of her - she cried to get away with things. Her crying used to be so unbearable, that most adults around her would give in to her - but I persevered... and I reap the benefits. My girl would only listen to my instructions, because she knows I mean whatever I say. - I do give in sometimes. Being nonverbal is not her choice. But in such way that I made sure that she gave her best before I let her go.)
          In the past week, besides being subdued, her stimming seemed to increase. She kept making 'EMMMM.......... sounds. all. the. time. I'd be lying if I say it did not get on my nerves. She would find things like bottles, books, key chains, CD's and tapped the things while 'emmmmmmmm' ing. I almost threw all those things away. I knew something is not right.
         On Saturday, when I tried to talk to her, she refused my contact. She still wants to sleep with me, but if I start talking, she would turn away. And she doesn't look happy. If anything, my girl is usually 'glued' to me. She refused to go to daddy, unless she knew I am angry with her. She knows me in my different moods, and knows how to choose her battles. In certain things, such as food or certain things I will not give to her, she would directly go to her daddy or even her brother. If I got angry with her, and she knows it's her fault, she would cry until I console her. But in this case, she did not cry. She did not even come to me for comfort, as she usually did. And she looked so serious the whole day.
          I was sure that we hurt her feelings when we discussed about her, and the thing that strikes me, actually hurt her more. The 'prediction' that she has a long, long time to go for her speech to develop, the query as to why I stopped her PECS training, and the possibility of using sign language with her..... all these in front of her. The bleak predictions hurt me. I am sure, she felt it too.
          I was desperate to make things right for her. In addition to the use of essential oils I diffused to balance her emotion, I tried to talk to her when she is sleeping. I kept telling her that I am sorry for what was said, and reaffirm her improvements over the years. Most important is that I love her. That we all love her. When awake, I pulled her for a quick bear hug several times, even as she resisted. (This was what I did in the first few years when she refused human contact) and it worked.
         Today, I am happy to note that she is back to her usual smilling little character, though her stimming hasn't decreased to the point that is less irritating. At least she did smile 'cheekily' as I questioned her need to bring all her soft, cuddly toys downstairs on the sofa when I asked her to have her afternoon nap. And she did sleep. She waited until her brother was asleep, and I can accompany her. She was asleep in less than 2 minutes... on the sofa she claimed for herself, with her soft toys all over the place.
          Why am I writing this? This is just to remind myself.... and everyone else. A child with Autism is first and foremost, a person. If we look beyond her label, we will see a sweet girl, struggling to fit in this complicated world we live in. They don't call these children 'Angels' for nothing.
         I still have to work out how to decrease her stimming. But it is all work in progress....