One of those days...

Today is one of those days. Those down days I experience every now and then. To be honest, I get this feeling more often these days. I'll scream and shout with a single trigger from the kids. I know I have to control myself, sometimes I can, sometimes I just couldn't.

Take today for instance. I really woke up from the wrong side of the bed. The morning started with Joy wanting to share my pillow, but not intending to sleep. With her kicking and moving on my mattress and pillow, I can't have proper shut-eye. As if this is not enough, a certain little boy cries in his sleep and came to snuggle with me. Imagine a mattress for a single bed, stuffed with an adult and 2 kids. I slept late last night and was hoping to sleep a little more this morning, since I don't have to go to work. The kids have a different plan for me. The little boy is wide awake after I comforted him, and wanted to go down. When it seems that everyone is wide awake, the little girl goes back to sleep. (huh!)

Everything is not right for the whole day. Hubby is away at work half day, so I was left with 2 kids, one of which decides to whine and cry for all her needs, and another whine for all his needs. I am super sensitive today. It seems that the little girl is stimming all the time.

She has sensory problems with her fingers and mouth. She would rub everything on her lips (sometimes puts them in her mouth and fingers them. The sound that she makes as she fingers the rough textures around the house (zips/ toys/radio/felts/stuff toys etc etc), really gets on my nerves, and you can never guess what she can find to satisfy her sensory needs. (I've tried giving her safe baby toys that she can put in her mouth - but nope - not interested. So far, she is only interested in forbidden stuff) As if these are not challenging enough, she loves to climb high. This of course, interest her little brother.

I tried to calm down and do some 'school' with them, to get some structure to the day. Nope. I am just too 'off limit' today. I don't have the patience, and screaming to them when they can't do something is definitely not going to work. In the end, I just let go. I let them do whatever they wanted. The result? the toys and books are all over the living room. I locked the 'schoolroom', after the little girl climbed onto a chair and took down my flash cards and felt manipulatives and got them all over the floor. Is there anything else to be considered too much?

I hardened my heart, and blocked my ears, and searched for a movie on PPS. The background noise? The little girl whinning for no certain reason. - I gave her milk (nope) water (nope) changed her clothes (nope) opened the play room upstairs for her (nope), breakfast (didn't want to finish) - nothing works. So I just let her whine her heart out. The only bright side from today is that the little boy is more than willing to play on his own, when I told him I am not in good mood today.
All this in one morning.

Afternoon?
I took off and hide in the bedroom - leaving hubby with the kids. Funny thing is, they are not as noisy as they were when they were alone with me. Huh! I guess what I really need is longer break from the kids. (I sound like a lousy mother - to want a break from her own kids? what was I thinking?)  But I am tired. I am tired of analysing reasons and creating strategies with the girl. I am tired of having this feeling of failure every time she can't reach my expectations. I am tired of being such a lousy mother - that I know is having a negative effect on the boy. I am just tired.

And the day hasn't end yet. Hubby is out for work again and it's only 7 pm. Thankfully, the boy is fast asleep after a whole day. But the girl is still busy fingering things and putting things in her mouth. I don't have the energy to care any more. I just want to prolong her waking up time, so that she will sleep at night. She has been having problems sleeping through the night until morning.  (for the past 2 months) She not only wakes up in the middle of the night, but she also disturbs me. I am a light sleeper. Once disturbed, I can't go back to sleep. Even if I do, I don't get the quality sleep that I needed for the next day. I've analysed and experimented with various ways to keep her asleep through the night. But, nope - still more analysing and experimentation to do.

If anyone out there has tried and tested ideas, do let me know. But before you do - don't give me suggestions that works with your typical children. Mine is definitely not typical in her sleep patterns. I've lived this life (of disturbed sleep) for 4 years, don't tell me that she will change for the better on her own - remember children with autism usually has problems sleeping. I have no plan to argue with this. She has definitely proved the point over the years.

To add a lighter note to this ranting - I am glad that the boy is such a sleeper. He only needs less than 5 minutes before he sleeps like a pig throughout the night.