A guilt post

          Something happened that triggered my 'guilt' button yet again. This time the alarm rang loud and clear - I can't shake it off. My mind can't stop shuffling through the past, present and future. And I started to vent. in the last few months, I've tried to look at the positives in my life - especially when it's anything related to my children.

          We have been going to and fro with our decisions where to register our son for his Primary school next year. I can't discuss the details here - but let's just say that we can't make the final decision due to our uncertainty with the sister. Having to rely on my father in law to drive and fetch them to school adds to more aspect for consideration. (we finally gave in and sent in the special needs application form for a card as requested by her school and the card enables her to be accepted in a special needs class when the need arises)

          We went to see my daughter's headmaster to know more about her condition in school. It wasn't very encouraging, though not as bad as I'd expected. We drove to the few schools in our consideration and talked about the pros and cons. - yet no conclusion.

          My mother in law's sudden decision to have her knee operation jolted us out of our comfort zone once again. If she have her operation during the school year, who is going to take care of my children - especially my daughter? I do not resent her for her decision because it's for her own health improvement. But the sudden decision forced me to think hard. Who?

          My own parents are not as healthy as they used to be. Relying on them would not be ideal. And truthfully, I am getting impatient with all these trials every now and then. It seems that God has to keep me on my toes at all times - throwing a problem my way to be solved every once in a while.

          Last year, we went through a period where my mil fell and hurt her knees. I had to rush home right after work to feed and bathe them and on certain days, even bring them to work. We had to cook meals for the whole day early in the morning before going to work. Mind you, I had to be in school by 6.30am - if anyone reading this felt that all those work are not that big of a burden. I wake up before 5am - rush through everything and be at work by 6.30am. In the afternoon, I will only be back, the earliest at 1.30pm or 4.30pm when there's extra work to do. By the time I got back home, I do not have time to rest and have to get on with housework and the children. With my own health deteriorating (stress eating and falling sick every few weeks) and lack of enough rest, this is the period when I totally slacked off in my 'home schooling' for my children - especially my daughter. My focus at the time was to get through the day.

        That was about half a year ago.

          In fact, since last year I have been looking around for after school day care and nursery that is willing to take on my daughter for a few hours after school - until I get back from work. None are willing.

          Add the stress of work performance to the lot - I am only surviving.

          Then I decided that enough is enough. I added into my long list of to do list - the need to lose weight and be healthy. I decided that for me to cope with all these, I needed to be healthy. Not only healthy - but super charged with energy.

          Fast forward to the present : with another wake up call (MIL deciding to have operation) : It is hard not to be discouraged. I called a few people and asked for help to keep an eye on my children for a few hours after they come home from school. None are willing.

          I can't sleep well at night. And I have headaches all day long trying to think of a solution. Though in the end my father agreed to come once or twice (driving 45 minutes from my hometown) every week, my heart is still not at peace. 

          I am well aware that this is temporary. After this period, there will be others. And the main consideration is my daughter. As she grows older, she has her own behaviours that prompted people to decline taking care of her. I do not blame them, though my heart hurts. Really hurts. My daughter has nowhere to go.

          I observed her hard and started to make lists of her pros and cons. I analysed her. I compared and analysed what went wrong. I compared my own determination and motivation. The past few years and the present. 

          I do not like what I see. 

          Because the main 'act' has to come from me. In the early years of her diagnosis, I pushed myself to the limit. I hardly let myself stop for a breather. I was so focused on her. We see much growth and improvement. Though not as we'd expected, but improvement nevertheles. - but later realized that all those has taken it's toll on myself. I gained weight from stress eating. I get sick all too often. I feel tired all the time. My self confidence and self identity went down the drain. With that - colleagues started to doubt my ability to perform at work. I started to doubt my own ability to perform. I loved teaching. But it has become mechanical. My heart is no longer there. As I scrolled down my own FB account - I can see how angry a person I have become. What did I let myself turn into?

         The recent 3-4 months has me feeling like a new person. With hubby's support and push, I started losing weight and picked myself up. I get my confidence back. I can feel my previous passion in my work. I feel renewed. But at the expense of my daughter. For the past year, I tried to ignore her negative behaviours and focus only on her positives. But doing this doesn't make the negatives go away. In fact - they get worse. What can I do? does this mean I can only choose between my own well being and hers? How do  I get a balance between the two? Is there even such a thing?