Speechless.... (but I am coping.... blerk)

         Sigh.... I know I needed to put this down in writing. One day, I hope to go back to this post and tell myself, "phew, we went though all that? and we survived? and everything is soooo ok now, that no one would believe we actually went through all this."
 
         Yup! I am clinging onto my motherly instinct, knowing that one day things will turn out as we'd hoped it would be. Just as God had planned - (hopefully).

         To cut the story short, the teachers, ie the counsellor cum the remedial teacher of my daughter's school kept pestering my father in law to ask me to go to school to have a 'talk' with her. Yeah, the hubs went once, (when she asked for both of us - I chickened off the last minute), and she did not manage to get her 'message' and 'good intentions' through to him. Simply said - they did not manage to get us to transfer her to a Special Needs school. I am very determined to ride through this phase, and of course, hubby is right beside me. Little did the teacher know that I was the 'mastermind' behind all this. (heheheh, evil laugh)
          When I did not show up at her school after the CNY holiday, I started getting missed calls from school. (On the Saturday both hubby and I planned to go to the school, but I am only free after 12, coz I have to be in school too. My school.) - I reminded them that as educators ourselves, we all have almost the same working hours. How could she expect me to be there in school the moment she asked? She even dared to ask me to take leave from school - well, just to go to have a 'talk' with them? - I'd rather not. I mean, it's not like my daughter has been creating havoc in school or something, that needs my immediate intervention.
         When we were finally there - well, the whole experience left me speechless. As an educator myself, I felt ashamed to be in the same line of work as them. I had never have problems dealing with parents before - most of the time, I'd try to solve problems internally, in school - preventing parents heartache and trouble, having to come to school, to deal with their child's problems in school, WHICH are supposed to be handled by the teachers. Of course, unless the problem was too big to be solved, involving many parties. - that would be another story.
       
         Getting back to my daughter's school, all I heard from them was resentment of the extra work they have to do in order to cope with her. Please, with only 26 students, compared to 30++ and 40++ students in other schools, I would expect them to be more considerate and attentive towards their students. I don't expect them to pay one to one attention to my daughter, as there are 25 other students they have to care for. But they gave me the impression that their duty is only to teach academics and get them to pass the assessments. Any other character building, self independence skills are non of their business.
          I can't go through all the things they said to us that day. It's equal to nightmare to me. I can't believe myself for handling my emotions so well that day, by nodding and smiling , and apologizing for all the trouble they had faced. I had thought I'd be aggressive and questioned their motivation in choosing this line of profession. - Well, I wasn't, and I was rather glad I did what I did, hoping that the teachers would slowly try to understand us, and show a little more love and care towards my daughter - instead of resenting her and resenting her parents for not cooperating.
        In case you are wondering, there are a few things they said that stabbed me in the heart. Actually we had to face a group of 5 teachers (teaching her class) One of the teacher started off with the complaint that my daughter has been taking other students' things. My response was - did she returned them? The teacher answered, yes, she would return the things when the students asked her. My next response was, : well, it's good that she is willing to return the things. But, I commented that my daughter's things (pencils, erasers, rulers, pencil sharperners) has been missing since the first week of school. Guess what was her response? "Oh, that one I don't know. You have to ask the class teacher." (yeah, she dismissed it just like that) and the class teacher were sitting there, saying nothing.
        And their famous 'quote' of the day? "I don't have time to notice her. I don't have time to pay more attention to her. I don't have time to discipline her. and when we are busy with the lessons and assessments, we will just put her aside" Wow ..... how to answer that?
         As a mother, I was crushed. But little did they know that the more difficult it is, the more determined I am. I know my daughter. I know what she needs. I am determined to give her the best environment - even if it means, I will have a tainted image of a selfish, irresponsible mother. Yeah - one of the teacher told my husband that if it were her child, she would directly put her in the special needs class - Yeah. IF. I might be weak, I get stressed. I cried. I lost my sleep over this, I might even suffer from thyroid due to the stress (in the process of diagnose), But after the process, I'll emerge stronger. Like they say, do not annoy a woman. ESPECIALLY a mother.
          I kept repeating to the teachers, to take time to understand her. (it'll be another post, on how the headmistress finally admits to me some of the things she just discovered about my daughter - which are good things) If only the teachers are willing to give her some more time, especially the first few years. I am keeping track with my daughter's overall improvements -

In speech : (she makes more sounds nowadays and called me 'mama' several times this week (when I asked her, sigh - it has been quite awhile),

Social skills : (which the teachers did comment that she is playing with the classmates), her latest feat : giving flying kiss when required to say good bye.... hihihi (nope, I didn't teach her that), and she have friends in school! : they would hold her hands and guide her patiently to go down the staircase. (she's still afraid of going down unfamiliar staircase. No problem in going up. The computer class is upstairs)

Independence skills (going to the toilet and back (no more accidents in the class) by herself, going to the school hall, computer room, and back to class - with friends or by self, sitting properly in class during recess time - eating from her lunch box), and I'm glad she knows how to fight for her rights. (she was absent from school a few days, due to fever, and when she's back to school, she saw that her seat has been taken by another student. Other students told her to go and sit at the back - but she refused, and shoved herself onto her seat, forcing the other student to give in and return to her seat at the back- my father in law was there and saw the whole process, and no, she did not hurt the other girl while shoving herself onto her own seat. :)

In academics : One of the teacher even mentioned that she actually pulled the teacher's hand to help guide her to write her work. (I told the teachers that she is now in a phase where she can actually recognize and write the alphabets, but she lacks confidence, thus needs someone to touch her, even if it's only on her wrist - she can write, or even copy some of the words) - but the teachers' response was - NO TIME. sigh

          I am open to any type of changes if it's to her best interest. I might even apply for her Special needs card and send her to a special needs school in future - IF she is still not able to cope in the mainstream. But for the time being - I firmly believe the mainstream environment is the best environment for her. Besides, I can't shield her from the negative side of human nature forever. My daughter is a tough girl. She can be as stubborn when she wants to. And most importantly : I believe in her. I believe that God has a grand plan for her and time will reveal everything.