Onwards to a better tomorrow!

Life will never remain static. What is the norm for today, this week, this month or this year, may not be the same tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. 

2 years back, after the birth of my son, I thought life is going to be smooth flowing, without much distractions (except for the minor ones of course). Little did I know just how wrong I was. That year, my life started to change bit by bit, as I began to see red alert here and there in my daughter. It took a total turn, the day we got her diagnosis. From a 'naive' woman who knew nothing of the disabilities in the world, whose life is only focussed on family and work, I began to aggressively learn all I can salvage from all sources anything related to my daughter's diagnosis. I 'locked' myself into my family and children more than before, spending 101% of my energy on them, and at the same time trying to  work. I now wonder how I could have survived the first year, if I did not have faith enough in God and the support from my husband. I am not a very devout Christian. I did not even go to church services regularly. But the first year after the diagnosis pushed me hard - to every church we could find, desperate to find one that could accommodate to our needs. (my girl could not sit still, let alone be quiet during a service).

Now that I've survived 2 years on the journey, I now agree that a person's personality is moulded by the environment she lives in. The inner, more aggressive, no nonsense personality in me came to the front line of the battlefield. Hubby and I have to make crucial decisions every now and then. Tough decisions that could help her for the better (or the worse). One of the latest big decision is the decision of not sending her to her special classes. So far, we have not regretted the decision.

Another decision that we made recently, is to start dieting and lose weight to a healthier range. We are both the type that eats when we are stressed. Our weight ballooned in the two years after the diagnosis. Hubby started playing basketball again and me? I started attending yoga sessions this week. It wasn't easy to leave the children with MIL, even if it's only for 2 hours, 2 days in a week. Leaving them with her once in awhile in the afternoon, when work requires, does not make me feel this way. It was about work. But sourcing out time for myself, totally for myself, makes me feel guilty. I could have used the time to teach just a little bit more? Or rest a little bit more? (yoga is tiring, and there sure will be muscle or joint pain the day after). Even sitting here, I have backache, pain in the arm muscles and stomach. I am hoping these will lessen, if I continue to attend the classes for a period of time.

But one thing for sure, I am beginning to feel that I am getting my life back on track. A diagnosis for my daughter has not ruined my life to a level where I could not get up and stand tall. A colleague once asked me, 'Why do you always look happy all the time? You did not look like you have a daughter with special needs.' My spontaneous answer to him? " Do you expect me to cry and look down hearted all the time? I have to take care of myself, so that I could take care of my children. Keeping sad or negative thoughts are not going to help me." In my heart, I knew that I am on my way to my own healing. Healing from the hurt of all the dreams that have been crushed by the diagnosis. These dreams may or may not come true, but I am bracing myself to work and live and enjoy life as much as I can, and I believe God will never give me anything that He knew I could not handle. Praise the Lord!