Before and Now...

Things at work prompted me into thinking about myself. - Of who I was before I got married, have children and who I am now, a wife, and mother of two children, one of which is special needs.

When I graduated and started working in 2003, I dedicated my all to my teaching profession. My first school was a rural school, half an hour drive away from my house. I spent most of my days in school, sometimes arriving home around 7.00 in the evening. It is already dark. I was responsible for the debate team in my school. To get my students prepared, we even worked at night. When it is not for competition, I will be marking essays or preparing materials for the next lessons. My weekends were also spent by giving tuition. When I am not giving tuition, I'll be ferrying my students around to get sponsors for the school magazine. I was the head committee. I had to train my students through the process of gathering, typing and designing the whole magazine. Life was tough then. But I dedicated my all.

As I got married in 2006 and got pregnant the same year, life changed drastically. I had to take care of myself and my unborn baby. I am not only responsible to myself anymore. On the same year, I delegated my more important and busy responsibilities to the younger, and new teachers. Life was still not bad. I moved in and lived with my MIL for a year. Later, we moved into our own home.... and married life was great. What else could I ask for? A caring husband and a healthy, beautiful baby. And no worries about the future. We were almost debt free, and our career (at least my hubby's) is taking off.

Then, perhaps God thinks that I needed something more than this peaceful, uneventful life. After the birth of my second baby, I was shaken and woke up from my beautiful dream. Things started to be challenging. My baby boy was hospitalised for 5 days for suspected infection during birth, and I had to go home to an empty room, having my confinement without the baby. The room did not even smell of baby smell. You know what I mean - the sweet smell of baby powder and oil, the fresh smell of baby's clothes and diapers. Everything was not right. I can't even rest properly, insisting that hubby bring me to see my baby everyday, sending him my milk. I did not even get to touch, let alone to hug him. The five days was a torture of fear.... and we prayed every night for his safety and for him to be home the soonest.

Little did I know that this little drama is just the beginning of another long and unending drama that changed my life forever. My elder daughter has grown silent, with only crying as her only way of communication. She cried every night for no apparent reasons, depriving me of the much needed sleep, she slowly withdraw from the world that we shared. I knew something is not right and after months of denial, we went to a doctor, and got The Diagnosis. The rest of the story.... is to be continued.

The year that I got the diagnosis, I started slacking in my profession. I still teach, but the enthusiasm is not there anymore. But don't get me wrong. I loved teaching. But I just don't really have the drive to go the extra miles. I do my work as expected of me, but I also needed to channel my energy to cater to the needs of my children. The year that I took a five months leave from work, the management reduced my workload. But I can't expect understanding and empathy all the time. So I try to be grateful whenever I can. Though this year I have heavier workload, I am grateful that I have been given enough space to breathe.

But there are always some teachers who sees me as the opportunist. To use family as the reason for not taking on some responsibilities, that they themselves rejected. They are single, or if married, are still without children. But they rejected the responsibilities quoting that being married and having children is not a reason for not taking on the responsibility. As I listened to them, I asked myself the same questions. Would I take on the said responsibility if I am still single, or if I am married but childless.... or even, If I am married, and my children are without problems? I guess, my answer is... I would.

Like I mentioned before, The Diagnosis has changed my priorities in life. My work has been pushed down the list of priorities, where the care of my children comes first. I refused a chance of promotion once for the sake of my child (before diagnosis) and I continue to refuse to climb up the ladder in my profession (after the diagnosis). All my course mates are leaving me behind, as they enjoy having a healthy family they don't have to constantly worry about, and enjoying the benefits of their advanced career. I am still where I started. With only a minimum raise in salary. And a family that I have to give my 101% attention to.

Yup.... If you tired reading this, I am going to sum up everything in a few words. Before, I am independent and only responsible to myself. Now, I am responsible for my children and my family. Life is not the same. I believe God has His plans for me and my family. But I am still waiting to know what are His plans....