Absence....

I typed an introduction.... deleted... typed again.... and deleted.....

It seemed that I have nothing to say. Nothing much to write that would be worthy of any (if there are any) reader's time, and there's certainly not much of memories that I'd like to go back to in future. 

But I guess, there will always be traces of the past few weeks in my life even if I try my best to forget. 

For those who read this, some may feel it's trivial and I am such a loser to mope over it all. Perhaps this is one of the reason that I refrained from writing anything at all. 

Well, now that I'm finally feeling a bit better about the whole thing.... what the heck!

Mind you, I'm still moping and pondering about many things, but like before, I'm picking myself up again and start anew. A friend phoned last night and in her words " she wants to put the fire back in me". Yeah, the fire which is buried under the coal is still there, it's just the wind is not strong enough to ignite it and burn the coal.... 

So, what happened? 

I felt like such a loser and guilty over the past few weeks, when I was blamed for all that happened to my daughter. To make the story short, a friend, whose daughter suddenly showed signs of regression, has 'successfully' pulled her out of her world before she closes the 'door' to her own world. - through certain beliefs and practice. How I wish everything would be as easy for me.... I was told that I took too long to do anything. My daughter has retreated into her own world and I am to live with it. (and not to whine or complain)

I embarked on a prayer frenzy and fasting... only to be made more aware of her differences, and began to resent them. (I really understand that I shouldn't - but don't start lecturing me about it. I am a human too.) 

To make things worse, I fell sick - which took me more than 3 weeks to fully recover... in fact, I am still coughing every now and then. AND, the son fell sick twice while I was still sick, plus the hubby too... (he is seldom sick, but when he is - it's a full force). 

As if that wasn't enough, I had a scare of a lifetime. After a bath before going to work, I had sudden chest pain which intensify every time I move. The pain caused my cheeks to feel numb and my head light headed. Fully aware of my own family's medical background... I took a day off from work to see the doctor. Luckily it wasn't anything serious - just the side effects of being sick for so long, coughing and uneven breathing cause the muscles to contract and caused pain.

Things in my daughter's school isn't going that well either. Her teacher would have lots to complain whenever she sees me - narrating all that my daughter does in school. Her kindergarten graduation photo was like - uh... perhaps she didn't need to have the photo taken at all? I mean, she looked very uncomfortable in the graduation robe, and was about to cry. I mean, I've not taken any photo of her looking like that for... er.... years? Of course she wouldn't look at the camera, but at least, get a happier photo of her... sigh....

This brought memories of the first year of her diagnosis. I remember that I used to cry and literally be so unhappy over the lack of nice photos of her. Later, as I got to know her better, I found ways to get snapshots of her with her looking at the camera.... since then, photo taking helps me appreciate how I have wonderful, happy children. 

We have also been praying for her entry into primary school next year. Hoping that she could cope and everything would go smoothly. It's only less than 4 months left, and I am certainly feeling nervous about it all. Plus, she hasn't mastered some of the crucial skills for her to function independently in school. Sigh... 

BUT....

As I typed the above, I began to feel much better. (I did mention that blogging provides a kind of therapy for me)

So, yeah.... I'm not leaving this blogging world yet. But just to give a hint. I'm actually giving myself a break from the craziness of life. I'm starting on a healthier diet, go for walks at least 3 days a week, and relax more. That means I'll do less with the kids, which I figure would not harm them a tiny bit - except for the more TV time. They need a healthy and happy mother more than anything, right? 

Well, till then....